To Obama. Laundered Money. 2009-02-
Letter to President Obama 2009-02-22 Laundered Money.
Dear Mr. President,
I live near the ocean on the New Jersey shore. Actually, you must know where I live because your Secret Service spooks come over here subsequent to every letter I write to you. As an aside, you should really check into these SS guys. They pound on the door of a mostly innocent voter, then stand around in their mirrored sunglasses whilst fondling their little zip-lock bags holding their Uzi machine guns. Then they ask questions like --- "Do you wet your pants?" Really thuggish and verrry weird people! Are you sure they will "take a bullet" for you? Maybe you should run a little test? Is there anyone you can trust to fire a gun aimed at a foot or so away from you? The SS guy that takes the bullet is the one that you know you can have confidence in.
To the main issue: Mr. Bernanke's helicopters fly by here every day. Actually, US&A Army helicopters. I have noticed that they are often dropping a stream of greenish papers into the ocean, a couple of hundred yards offshore. Sometimes they drop bales of green stuff. Upon walking the beach, I see this paper washing up and, upon examination, it proved to be sodden fragments of surf battered $US 100 bills. Coin of the realm! Wow! I am forwarding a couple of five gallon buckets of these which I have carefully dried out. Got out almost all of the seaweed and last summer's condoms. Perhaps you can have SecTreas take these and send me new $100 bills? He can do it by weight. Maybe take off 10% to allow for the extraneous materials. He can keep the used condoms. Still in good shape, although a user would have to watch out for crabs.
I have asked myself--- Why, why, why oh why are the Helicopter Ben emissaries dropping the currency in the ocean instead of, say, on my street? It is a great deal of trouble to strain the soaked and disentegrated bills out of the surf. And my local bank refuses to take them. Well, you know how cautious bankers are about tangible money.
Sooooo.... I consulted a Junior High School computer nerd down the street. He has cracked into the White House correspondence sent via Email and your Blackberry. I had to buy him a Penthouse magazine to procure the following message. He wants to know who Monica is. Does she still Email the White House? Clueless children.
At any rate here is what the disgusting, unwashed computer nerd came up with:
"From: The Office of the President of the US&A
To: SecTreas and FedRes
TopTopSecret ULTRA HELIBENBUCKS, NOFORN, NOPUBLIC, NOREPUBS, NOWIFE, NONUTTIN
(...blah, blah, blah stuff... then)
'...Instruct the US&A Army to proceed immediately with the HeliBenBucks operation. Inform them that this is of crucial national importance. The economy is underwater, we need liquidity, it is essential that we water down the currency, ...'
By Order of ME, the President"
I can only assume that SecTreas sent a verbatim copy to the Army, which would explain why they are dutifully dropping the currency into the ocean. Perhaps you could instruct the Army to drop the currency inshore a hundred yards or so? That would guarantee you my vote, and the thousands that the teenage nerd fabricates, in the next election.
Helpfully yours,
Paul
Dear Mr. President,
I live near the ocean on the New Jersey shore. Actually, you must know where I live because your Secret Service spooks come over here subsequent to every letter I write to you. As an aside, you should really check into these SS guys. They pound on the door of a mostly innocent voter, then stand around in their mirrored sunglasses whilst fondling their little zip-lock bags holding their Uzi machine guns. Then they ask questions like --- "Do you wet your pants?" Really thuggish and verrry weird people! Are you sure they will "take a bullet" for you? Maybe you should run a little test? Is there anyone you can trust to fire a gun aimed at a foot or so away from you? The SS guy that takes the bullet is the one that you know you can have confidence in.
To the main issue: Mr. Bernanke's helicopters fly by here every day. Actually, US&A Army helicopters. I have noticed that they are often dropping a stream of greenish papers into the ocean, a couple of hundred yards offshore. Sometimes they drop bales of green stuff. Upon walking the beach, I see this paper washing up and, upon examination, it proved to be sodden fragments of surf battered $US 100 bills. Coin of the realm! Wow! I am forwarding a couple of five gallon buckets of these which I have carefully dried out. Got out almost all of the seaweed and last summer's condoms. Perhaps you can have SecTreas take these and send me new $100 bills? He can do it by weight. Maybe take off 10% to allow for the extraneous materials. He can keep the used condoms. Still in good shape, although a user would have to watch out for crabs.
I have asked myself--- Why, why, why oh why are the Helicopter Ben emissaries dropping the currency in the ocean instead of, say, on my street? It is a great deal of trouble to strain the soaked and disentegrated bills out of the surf. And my local bank refuses to take them. Well, you know how cautious bankers are about tangible money.
Sooooo.... I consulted a Junior High School computer nerd down the street. He has cracked into the White House correspondence sent via Email and your Blackberry. I had to buy him a Penthouse magazine to procure the following message. He wants to know who Monica is. Does she still Email the White House? Clueless children.
At any rate here is what the disgusting, unwashed computer nerd came up with:
"From: The Office of the President of the US&A
To: SecTreas and FedRes
TopTopSecret ULTRA HELIBENBUCKS, NOFORN, NOPUBLIC, NOREPUBS, NOWIFE, NONUTTIN
(...blah, blah, blah stuff... then)
'...Instruct the US&A Army to proceed immediately with the HeliBenBucks operation. Inform them that this is of crucial national importance. The economy is underwater, we need liquidity, it is essential that we water down the currency, ...'
By Order of ME, the President"
I can only assume that SecTreas sent a verbatim copy to the Army, which would explain why they are dutifully dropping the currency into the ocean. Perhaps you could instruct the Army to drop the currency inshore a hundred yards or so? That would guarantee you my vote, and the thousands that the teenage nerd fabricates, in the next election.
Helpfully yours,
Paul
posted by alternate universe at 5:35 PM
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