Obama Letter #46. Good Bank Bad Bank Feb 1, 2009
February 1, 2009 Letter #46
Subject: Good Bank, Bad Bank
Dear Mr. President,
Your advisers are financial morons. Their advisers are imbeciles. Their advisers are idiots. And so on down to the level of sea slugs. These advisers can't even figure out how to write a check to the IRS to pay their taxes! Sorry, but The Truth is sometimes harsh.
The proposal for shifting all of the toxic waste CDO's, CDS's, sliced and diced mortgage Frankenstein monsters, and other financial garbage into a single Bad Bank is naive, silly, and worst of all, outrageously expensive to we taxpayers. (Of course, we taxpayers, with a little luck, can foist off this mess to our children by the simple expedient of dying.)
Think! Think! Mr. President. What does any Average American do when he has a useless piece of worthless crap lying around the house or barn? OK, you are not the Average American. Smarter. Nor are your advisers. Dumber.
OK. You give up? Americans list their worthless, ugly junk on eBay!!!!! And some fool always buys it when the price is beaten down enough.
So, instruct the banks, so-called banks, Private Equity Funds, the City people, Everybody to list their toxic waste monetary instruments on eBay.
The toxic assets will be bought by all manner of Greater Fools at 1% of face value. Who cares what the percentage is? You, I, the Fed, and the Treasury are instantly clear of the mess.
All of the greedy, stupid banks and investment houses will be off the hook!
The US&A gummint won't have to spend a nickel. (Although maybe the gummint will have to give eBay a couple of billion to expand their facilities to handle all this glop.)
Everybody wins! No cost! Private Enterprise handles the problem! For free! The average Joe gets to hang a framed debt obligation for $100 billion on his den wall.
I can hardly wait until you put this simple and flawless solution into effect. (Maybe, as a small token of your gratitude, you could even instruct the IRS to put my tax forms into the same black hole as that of your advisers?)
Respectfully,
Paul Collins
Subject: Good Bank, Bad Bank
Dear Mr. President,
Your advisers are financial morons. Their advisers are imbeciles. Their advisers are idiots. And so on down to the level of sea slugs. These advisers can't even figure out how to write a check to the IRS to pay their taxes! Sorry, but The Truth is sometimes harsh.
The proposal for shifting all of the toxic waste CDO's, CDS's, sliced and diced mortgage Frankenstein monsters, and other financial garbage into a single Bad Bank is naive, silly, and worst of all, outrageously expensive to we taxpayers. (Of course, we taxpayers, with a little luck, can foist off this mess to our children by the simple expedient of dying.)
Think! Think! Mr. President. What does any Average American do when he has a useless piece of worthless crap lying around the house or barn? OK, you are not the Average American. Smarter. Nor are your advisers. Dumber.
OK. You give up? Americans list their worthless, ugly junk on eBay!!!!! And some fool always buys it when the price is beaten down enough.
So, instruct the banks, so-called banks, Private Equity Funds, the City people, Everybody to list their toxic waste monetary instruments on eBay.
The toxic assets will be bought by all manner of Greater Fools at 1% of face value. Who cares what the percentage is? You, I, the Fed, and the Treasury are instantly clear of the mess.
All of the greedy, stupid banks and investment houses will be off the hook!
The US&A gummint won't have to spend a nickel. (Although maybe the gummint will have to give eBay a couple of billion to expand their facilities to handle all this glop.)
Everybody wins! No cost! Private Enterprise handles the problem! For free! The average Joe gets to hang a framed debt obligation for $100 billion on his den wall.
I can hardly wait until you put this simple and flawless solution into effect. (Maybe, as a small token of your gratitude, you could even instruct the IRS to put my tax forms into the same black hole as that of your advisers?)
Respectfully,
Paul Collins
posted by alternate universe at 6:52 PM
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