Letter #48 to Obama. Zimbabwe and Madoff.
February 7, 2009 Letter # 48
Dear Mr. President,
I have noticed the absurd and pathetic plans of Congress to pump a Trillion Dollars into the economy from time to time. This, of course will not work. We will end up a few hundred trillion dollars in debt and with the economy at the same level it is now. We will all become serfs working for China. Hopefully, you have not had a hand in this idiotic scheme.
My, with all modesty, stellar-brilliant-awesome proposal will work with the utmost simplicity. It will restore the economy and bring prosperity, confidence, and pride to the American people.
Oh, this is so beautiful. I am atremble in my aura of galactic genius. OK, first we spring Mr. Bernard Madoff from the slammer in his multimillion dollar apartment. We make an agreement that he works for the US&A gummint as a condition of parole. If he screws up, he goes to one of the currently unoccupied subterranean suites in Guantanamo, one with blood on the walls, dripping water, and hungry rats. His co-operation is guaranteed unless he is completely senile, in which case we maintain the teensey white lie that he is totally functional and put him in the suite right now.
Part A. Mr. Madoff, reopens his investment plan to all Americans and American corporations and institutions. He will pay investors 12% per month for all of the money they invest in the Madoff plan, with full backing of the United States Treasury! Note that Mr. Madoff can point to some 30 years of successful returns to his clients and has only hit a bit of a rough patch recently. Naturally, Mr. Madoff will be taxed very heavily on his profits.
Ah you say, but how do we get the 12% per month?
Part B of the plan is that the investments shall be denominated in Zimbabwe dollars. (You might want to put "Zimbabwe" in fine print in the offering.)
Voila! The gummint is only paying out 12% per month. But Zimbabwe dollars are depreciating by, conservatively, 10,000% per month. A little simple math shows that the US&A gummint, not actually holding Zimbabwe dollars of course, makes an unconscionable profit--- enough to pay off all of our insane debts and future obligations. A $US debt of a trillion would vanish in the wink of an eye.
Zimbabwe would be happy to accommodate us for, say, payment of the equivalent of their gross domestic product, payable hourly.
Everybody is happy. Bernie is happy. The US&A gummint is happy. The idiot Congress and idiot voters are happy.
What's not to like?
Respectfully,
Paul Collins
Dear Mr. President,
I have noticed the absurd and pathetic plans of Congress to pump a Trillion Dollars into the economy from time to time. This, of course will not work. We will end up a few hundred trillion dollars in debt and with the economy at the same level it is now. We will all become serfs working for China. Hopefully, you have not had a hand in this idiotic scheme.
My, with all modesty, stellar-brilliant-awesome proposal will work with the utmost simplicity. It will restore the economy and bring prosperity, confidence, and pride to the American people.
Oh, this is so beautiful. I am atremble in my aura of galactic genius. OK, first we spring Mr. Bernard Madoff from the slammer in his multimillion dollar apartment. We make an agreement that he works for the US&A gummint as a condition of parole. If he screws up, he goes to one of the currently unoccupied subterranean suites in Guantanamo, one with blood on the walls, dripping water, and hungry rats. His co-operation is guaranteed unless he is completely senile, in which case we maintain the teensey white lie that he is totally functional and put him in the suite right now.
Part A. Mr. Madoff, reopens his investment plan to all Americans and American corporations and institutions. He will pay investors 12% per month for all of the money they invest in the Madoff plan, with full backing of the United States Treasury! Note that Mr. Madoff can point to some 30 years of successful returns to his clients and has only hit a bit of a rough patch recently. Naturally, Mr. Madoff will be taxed very heavily on his profits.
Ah you say, but how do we get the 12% per month?
Part B of the plan is that the investments shall be denominated in Zimbabwe dollars. (You might want to put "Zimbabwe" in fine print in the offering.)
Voila! The gummint is only paying out 12% per month. But Zimbabwe dollars are depreciating by, conservatively, 10,000% per month. A little simple math shows that the US&A gummint, not actually holding Zimbabwe dollars of course, makes an unconscionable profit--- enough to pay off all of our insane debts and future obligations. A $US debt of a trillion would vanish in the wink of an eye.
Zimbabwe would be happy to accommodate us for, say, payment of the equivalent of their gross domestic product, payable hourly.
Everybody is happy. Bernie is happy. The US&A gummint is happy. The idiot Congress and idiot voters are happy.
What's not to like?
Respectfully,
Paul Collins
posted by alternate universe at 6:48 PM
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